Fck you, Gotham
by Fishtastic
Summary: Another amazing crack shipping fanfiction from the writers: Clark and Leonardo. Each chapter presents a new Gotham themed character shipping love story, filled with romance and Gertrude Kapelput. Make sure to fap whilst reading this - it creates the perfect atmosphere.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 – Bruce and Falcone**

It was around dinner time in the Sahara desert, when Bruce stopped the car to exit. "I need a walk, Alfred," he exclaimed to his driver (and butler), "I'll be back here at around four, but I will call if anything comes up."

Bruce waved goodbye at Alfred, as the older man drove away, assumingly back to their hotel, and Bruce made his way out into the desert. He saw nothing for miles around him, until he came to a clearing, where there were no cacti, or any form of plant. The sand was also much rougher and solid, which Bruce assumed meant that this area had been used recently. All of a sudden, the young billionaire heard a car engine, and spun his head around to see an old, silver car roll up towards the boy in the clearing. It definitely wasn't Alfred, and the car was definitely not their own. Bruce was concerned as to who was in the vehicle and whether they wanted to hurt him – but there was no use in screaming for help in such a vast wasteland. He quickly called up Alfred, who didn't answer his phone, and when so, he left a voicemail asking him to pick him up about a mile away from the road he was planning on returning back to. The silver car parked itself not too far away from Bruce, and a withered old man stepped out onto the sand. His long, grey hair blew around in the small breeze going through the desert, and Bruce saw his wrinkled, yet kind-looking face.

"Are you Bruce Wayne?" asked the man, and Bruce immediately recognised him as the mob boss, Carmine Falcone.

"Yes, mister Falcone, my name is Bruce Wayne. What business do you wish to discuss in the Sahara Desert?"

"The link between tuberculosis and camels, my dear boy." Falcone replied, and before Bruce could even question what the old man had said, the wrinkled lips were on his, and Bruce's mind was overflowing with more questions and feelings for Carmine.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 – Kelly and Ivy**

Kelly looked over the side of the boat, feeling nauseous again, and spewed up a few of his breakfast into the ocean below. He couldn't stand to be watching the water for much longer, and decided to find a dark room to curl into a ball in, and sleep. He wasn't exactly sea-sick, but the entire incident with the Dollmaker had left him quite shaken, and he wanted to return home as quickly as possible. He spun on his heels on the port, and he felt the rising in his stomach, and decided to get ANYWHERE as quickly as possible. He found a storage container carrying a few expensive cars and Kelly rushed around them and emptied his body's contents into a corner.

"Sir..."

Kelly wiped his mouth and looked around to see where the voice was coming from. He noticed a young girl in the front seat of one of the more expensive cars, with ragged clothing and wavy, ginger hair. Kelly made his way to the car and busted the door open, letting the girl clamber out, who immediately fell to the floor, once she had exited.

"Are you okay," he asked, helping her up on her feet, and she leant by him for support, "What's your name? Why were you in that car?"

The young girl groaned a little and began to speak gruffly, which lead Kelly to assume she was probably drugged.

"I'm fine," she explained, though it was very obvious she was not, "I'm Ivy...someone knocked me out and I just woke up in that guy's car. Where are we?"

"We're just passing the Bermuda Triangle, actually," laughed Kelly, trying to cheer up the small girl, "You can just call me, Kelly."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – Alfred and Barbara**

A message bleeped on Alfred's phone as he began to pour Barbara some wine. "I'm sorry-"Alfred began to the much younger woman, as she interrupted him with a gentle caress of his arm. Alfred kissed her, slowly, trying to put off answering Bruce's voicemail, which he thought was probably some irritable nonsense that could wait while he spent time with the woman of his dreams. He finished filling the glasses with alcohol and he downed his own, waiting as Barbara slowly drank hers. Barbara smiled at the older man, and slipped off her shoes, and Alfred undid his tie. However, even though the moment was romantic, and Alfred desperately wanted to spend as much time as he possibly could with her, his phone kept bleeping for Bruce's voicemail, and he eventually had to look up the message.

After he had heard the scared tone of his young master trying to contact him, he let Barbara know that he had to leave to see if everything was okay. Barbara let him know that she would be waiting for him until he got back, and Alfred smirked at his newly acquired girlfriend that people would most definitely judge him for. He exited the hotel, and got in the car, trying to remember where he was supposed to meet Master Bruce, and he sped off into the desert.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – The Captain and Fish**

It was deep in the rainforest where two mysterious black women where exchanging soap.

The end.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – Jim and Gabe**

The sun was just beginning to rise over the horizon, casting rays of light throughout the woods. One such ray of light made its way into the small crack in the curtains of the cabin straight onto Jim's face, waking him from his slumber. He groaned and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before sitting up and glancing around the room. Noticing he was alone in the bed, he got up and slipped on a pair of pants before venturing out of the room in search of his partner. He found him in the kitchen slaving over the oven. Jim closed his eyes and inhaled the mouth-watering scent of freshly cooking bacon. He walked over to his lover and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his head against his back.

"Good morning, sweetheart." He said his voice still raspy from sleep.

Gabe turned around and lowered his head to give Jim a quick peck on the lips. "Good morning. I made us breakfast."

"I can tell. It smells great." Jim smiled up at his tall lover, wondering how he was lucky enough to have such a good cook for a boyfriend.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 – Edward and Gertrude**

Edward knocked on the door to the Cobblepot residency in the worn-down apartment. The idiots at the station had decided it was up to him to tell the old and mentally-unstable mother of Oswald that he was in prison and needed bail money. She opened the door to the smiling Edward, always as polite as the little weirdo could be, as he explained the situation. Always believing her son to be the most perfect person in the world, she was incredibly shocked to hear this new information, and she retreated back into her apartment and let out a few saddened cries. Edward was unsure as to whether or not to comfort her or leave, as he _was_ only a messenger, but the weirdly sweet old woman crying in such a way tugged a little on his heart strings.

"I'm sure it's not much of a big deal, Mrs Kapelput, I don't expect a woman of your class would raise a criminal. He'll just be caught up in some sort of –"

Gertrude interrupted him with a request. _Rude._

"Young man, could you please give me a drive to the police station? I don't want to be of any trouble but..."

She began sobbing again and Edward was beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable. He never really liked being around sad people.

"My name is Edward Nygma," Edward introduced, "But unfortunately I left my own vehicle at the G.C.P.D and I walked down here. If you don't mind the trek I'll walk with you."

Gertrude nodded in agreement and it made Edward feel much more relaxed that her mood had risen. He avoided completely, the subject of riddles, as Harvey had explained to him that if he annoyed the poor woman with them, that he would murder him when he got back. Whether he was telling the truth or not, Edward didn't know, but he definitely didn't want to take that risk.

He and Oswald's mother made their way down to the police station, but halfway through their uncomfortably quiet walk, Gertrude grabbed Edward's arm and lead him through a dozen alleys until they reached a large open space of green field. The poor, tall forensic worker was highly confused when the 35 year older woman sat down on the grass and pulled him down with her, so he was sat uncomfortably close to her. Gertrude explained that her previous husband had met her in that particular area, and that May god rest his soul, he was no longer around. Edward, fascinated by the story as he usually was with stories, lead down onto the grass and stared at the area around him, picking up on a lighthouse in the very far distance, and a small canal running water to his side. Intrigued by the scenery around him, he was almost unaware of the added weight (and the fact that Gertrude still had a firm hold on his arm), as Gertrude lead down beside him and rested her head on his chest. She slid her hand up his arm to his hand and linked their fingers together. As strange as it was to Edward that this particular woman (with such a large age gap between them) was making him feel much more comfortable than he had ever had with a human being, he decided to stay there with her, while the two began to snuggle into each other, as the bright sun beamed down on the area of Gotham which was not shrouded in such darkness.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 – Harvey and Jerome**

Harvey couldn't understand why he had agreed to let Jim drag him to this God awful place. He hated circuses and couldn't understand why people paid to come here. As the night and the acts progressed, Harvey found himself drifting off into sleep. After a while Harvey found himself being roughly awakened by the many people trying to get out of their seats. Harvey released a sigh of relief, realising it was over, and followed suit, standing from his seat and making his way out of the tent. It was only when he was fully out that he noticed that Jim wasn't with him. He began frantically looking around for the younger detective but quickly gave up, cursing, as the sea of people was too dense to see through. He decided to wait for him by the car, only to realise, he couldn't remember where the car was parked. Sighing, he began to aimlessly wander around the site, hoping but doubting he would see Jim. As he was walking past one of the trailers something caught his eye. Turning, he saw a boy sitting on one of the steps holding a snake. Harvey wasn't sure what but something compelled him to walk over to the boy.

"That's a lovely animal you have there." He said as he drew nearer.

The boy looked up, slightly startled at the sudden appearance of the detective. "Oh, thank you. Would you like to pet her?"

Harvey was hesitant but took a seat beside the boy and began to cautiously pet the snake. Harvey looked over to him, realising he had yet to introduce himself. "I'm Harvey."

"Jerome." The boy replied, smiling over at Harvey. Harvey returned the smile. He wasn't sure what but something about the boy made his heart flutter. As he sat looking at Jerome all thoughts of his mission to find Jim had gone and all he could think was how wonderful this boy seemed to be.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 – Penguin and Jonathan**

The fire-truck arrived outside the blazing Crane house, as the leader of the firemen charged into the house to try and recover anyone inside. The workers managed to drag a young 8 year old boy and his father outside, unconscious, and tried desperately to revive the two. The older man (the father) was much more out of it than the son, and the young boy was easily awoken by the fire rescue team, who lead him to the back of their fire truck whilst many entered the flaming house and others tried to stop the fire with hoses of water. Not long after the two were rescued, the Crane house roof subsided, and whoever was still left inside was no longer. Shivering from the cold of morning air and from shock, the young boy was covered in a blanket, and left to sit outside of the open truck whilst more and more firemen tried to rescue those still alive in the house. The boy, Jonathan, cried into the blanket wrapped around his shoulders when the fire team explained that his mother had passed away, and an ambulance sped away with his father inside. It began to rain, drizzling and soaking the poor boy in a mixture of tears and rain. On the other side of the road, across from him, Jonathan noticed a man walking with a cane by the house, who had stopped to witness the fire die down as the rain pounded against the ground. The man, Oswald, noticed the young boy perched on the back of the fire truck, soaked, and limped over to him. It was only when the man was up close to him, that Jonathan realised he was limping with a closed umbrella rather than a cane.

"It's raining," remarked Jonathan to the man resembling a penguin, "Why aren't you using your umbrella."

Oswald smiled, opening the umbrella by his side and handing it to the boy in the fire truck.

"You need it more than me."

Oswald began towards the pavement again, but was stopped by a tug on his blazer. _Rude._ He turned round to notice the child holding tightly onto the material of his clothes, sobbing quietly, and making no attempt to let go. The rain was hitting the ground like pellets, and the umbrella sounded like it was taking a good hit above the boy's head. The Penguin looked around the street, noticing no one but firemen, and sat down next to the boy in the fire truck, while Jonathan buried his head into the stranger's shirt, crying, as Oswald took the umbrella and held it over the boy's head, rain bounding off the material.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 – Selina and Butch**

Butch sighed contentedly as he looked over the glistening pond whilst enjoying the lovely picnic he had prepared for himself. Suddenly, he caught a glimpse of a hand reaching into his picnic basket. He reached out and grabbed the hand with a firm grip and turned to see who was daring to steal from him. _Rude._ He was about to scold the person for attempting something like this but stopped when he saw that the thief was a young, homeless girl. Butch was speechless. He had never seen such a lovely looking girl before, especially not a homeless one. After a few moments of uncomfortable staring, Butch managed to speak. "If you're hungry, feel free to join me. You don't have to steal." He let go of her hand and returned his eyes back to the pond.

The girl, Selina, hesitated for a minute before taking a seat next to the older man and reaching into the basket for a sandwich. "Thanks." She said, taking a bite of the sandwich.

Butch smiled warmly at her. "It's no problem. I had more than enough."

Selina smiled back. No one had ever shown her this much kindness without expecting something in return. As she gazed at the older man, she felt a strange sense of happiness, one which she had never felt before.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 – The Balloonman and Lee**

Jim (the player) had decided on taking his current girlfriend on a date to the zoo, which, when suggested, Lee had shrugged and rolled away – so Jim took that as a good sign.

The two had made their way around half of the zoo when they came to the lemur pen, and noticed that several of the creatures were floating up into the atmosphere via a tied balloon around their bellies.

"WTF?! THIS IS A JOB FOR COPS!" screamed Jim, skipping away until he was no more.

Lee decided to climb over the fencing into the lemur pen, and lead down on the sand. Suddenly, she saw a man crouching in the corner of the pen, huddling thousands of balloons under his arm, and Lee poked him.

 _Rude._

" **I AM DAVIS THE BALLOONMAN** ," whispered the crouching man. Lee smiled, and they proceeded to lick each other's glabellas.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11 – The Ogre and Victor**

Far away in the Antarctic, Jason had his head resting on Victor's shoulder as they slow danced to bananaphone whilst surrounded by snow, ice and penguins that they had stolen from Oswald... _Rude._ Just a regular night in for the two love birds.


End file.
